Torn
by Spark Wolf
Summary: He's back. She's happy, but at the cost of another's pain.
1. Chapter 1

She doesn't understand why he left.

All he knows is that he left because of her.

* * *

"Hey, Romanoff, you want to train? Sam and Rhodey are done…oh," Steve trails off when he steps into the living room and finds Natasha curled up on the couch.

"Nat?" he asks.

She glances up at him. He can see the tear streaks on her face. She swipes furiously at her eyes and meets his gaze.

"What?" she answers tersely.

He shakes his head. "Nothing."

She turns away from him, burying her head in her hands. He sits down next to her and puts his arm across her shoulders.

"Sorry," Natasha murmurs through her tears.

"It's nothing," he reassures her. "What's wrong, Nat?"

She's silent for a few moments. "Bruce," she whispers.

He's silent, too. Jealousy rises in him, but he quickly pushes it down.

 _She's suffering, Steve,_ he reminds himself.

"He…he'll be back," he says.

She nods and stands back up.

"Let's go train, Rogers," she declares.

He follows her to the training room. As they reach the entrance, she turns around to face him again.

"And Steve…thanks."

* * *

She feels guilty, but she's glad for the distraction. She's focused on Steve alone, as she calculates where to hit him next. He darts to her left, and she flips over him, landing behind him.

"Can't catch me, Rogers," she snickers, as she leaps onto his back and jabs him in the back of his neck with her fingers.

He winces and staggers back when she jumps off, landing lightly on her feet.

"Next time, Romanoff," he replies, sprinting towards her.

She nails him with a kick to his forehead, and he falls back.

"I win," she laughs.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

As they leave, she feels the familiar pain settling back in her.

She's thinking of Bruce again.

* * *

" _I need you to turn this bird around," she tells Bruce._

 _On the screen, she can see the Hulk sitting in the cockpit._

 _She can tell that he knows exactly what he's doing when he turns the video feed off._

 _The screen goes black._

 _He's gone._

Natasha jolts awake from her dream.

What could she have done to stop him?

She knows there wasn't anything, but she still feels like it was her fault.

Steve stops in his tracks when he finds Natasha downstairs.

"You're awake too?" he says.

She freezes and turns around. He can see the flicker of disappointment in her eyes when she sees him and not Bruce. He knows that they used to meet like this, in the middle of the night. Especially after Wanda had brought back their worst memories.

"No, I'm sleepwalking," she deadpans, her mask back on again.

 _I'm the Black Widow. I won't let him see how I feel. This afternoon in the living room was bad enough,_ she tells herself.

"Dreaming of eating?" Steve teases when he notices the apple in her hand.

 _Second mistake. Nice going, Rogers,_ he berates himself, when he sees her wince.

"No, just dreaming of a close friend…leaving," she says nonchalantly, though her voice cracks when she says leaving.

"We'll find him, Nat. It's okay," he tells her.

"No it's not. Have you ever lost the one you love, Rogers? Have you ever lost anyone close to you? You don't understand!" she snaps.

It feels like she's physically punched him in the stomach. He closes his eyes as memories flash across his thoughts.

 _Peggy. Bucky. My family. Everyone I knew._

He looks back at her, and she can see the pain echoing in his sky blue eyes. She can see the mistake she's made.

 _The ic_ _e_ , she remembers.

"I was in the ice, Romanoff," he whispers. "I lost my family. I lost the one woman I've ever loved. I lost my best friend."

She's about to apologize, but he continues.

"I wake back up, and I find out that my family and Peggy are dead. I find out that Bucky is still somehow alive, but he's joined the enemy. I've lost everyone I've ever known."

"Steve…I'm sorry."

He shakes his head. "It's fine. You're in grief. I'll let you be alone now."

He turns and disappears in the elevator. She hears the doors slide shut, and the elevator begins to rise.

"Don't go," she whispers almost inaudibly.

He's already gone.

* * *

Days pass.

He still hasn't talked to her.

Finally, she decides to change it.

She can't lose him.

"Do you need something, Agent Romanoff?" he asks politely.

"Steve, please. Stop ignoring me," she says, standing in front of him. "I can't lose you, too."

He pulls her into a hug. "Sorry, Nat."

"I'm sorry too."

"It's okay, Nat. Really. I have good news for you."

"Yeah?"

"Dr. Banner is on his way back."

* * *

He arrives today.

Natasha doesn't know if she wants him to.

But regardless, he arrives.

"Natasha. I'm so sorry," he whispers when he greets her.

"I was so worried."

"Steve told me. I'm glad he helped you."

She nods.

"I love you, Nat."

For some reason, she tenses when he calls her Nat. It's a nickname for her closest friends to call her. It's only for Clint…and Steve.

She shrugs it off. What matters is that Bruce is there again. With her.

* * *

She doesn't notice Steve's pained look at them.

She doesn't notice when he disappears back upstairs.

 _He made her go through so much pain. She was suffering because of him. She doesn't deserve to be with him. Who helped her get through the pain? Me,_ Steve thinks.

 _Why does she still love him?_

He doesn't know. But he knows that he wants her to be happy. So he won't say anything.

He won't try to end their relationship. He doesn't want to see her in pain again. He cares for her enough to do that.

But it's tearing him apart.


	2. Chapter 2

**As per popular demand- here is a continuation to Torn! Thanks to all of you guys who asked for another chapter.**

* * *

At first, she brushes it off as a bad day.

Even when it continues on for weeks.

She pretends that his disappearances, his mournful glances at her, his frequent silences were just her imagination.

* * *

Natasha sits down on the couch, propping her feet up on the coffee table, leaning her head on Bruce's shoulder. Seeing that Bruce is watching Star Wars, she calls for Steve, remembering that he had taken a liking to it.

"Hey, Steve! Star Wars marathon?"

Steve steps into the room. "Sorry, Natasha. I've got stuff to do tonight."

"Okay. Next time?"

"We'll see," Steve murmurs as he leaves.

Natasha watches him closely as he leaves. It didn't escape her that he hadn't called her Nat.

He'd called her Natasha.

He hadn't called her that since D.C.

* * *

Sitting down to dinner, courtesy of Wanda, Natasha notices that there's an empty chair. She nudges Bruce, who's sitting beside her, and points it out. After a quick scan of the table, she realizes that it's Steve who's missing.

"Where's Steve?" she speaks up.

Everyone falls silent.

"I…I believe he said that he was going to eat in his room. He mentioned something about work to do," Vision volunteers.

Natasha raises an eyebrow. _Steve_ was the one who had the idea for team dinners. He would be the last person to miss one. And where was all of this work coming from all of a sudden? She remembers that he'd missed their usual spar yesterday, and when confronted about it, he said he had work to do.

"Is he working on reports or something? Because we should probably help him," Bruce says.

"He said that he is not to be disturbed," Vision replies.

"Okay then. If he doesn't want to be disturbed, then we won't disturb him. Let's eat!" Natasha declares, a forced note of cheerfulness in her voice.

* * *

It's not until a month later that it hits her.

This is exactly like when they'd fought, before Bruce had come back.

* * *

Natasha steps into the gym, heading straight for the punching bags. She'd been getting out of practice lately, especially since Steve wasn't sparring with her anymore. All the others were too easy for her to beat. She wanted a real challenge.

"Oh. Romanoff."

Natasha blinks in surprise at the familiar voice. She hadn't noticed Steve hanging up a new punching bag. Surveying the area around him, she could tell that this wasn't his first. Several punching bags were strewn across the floor, some with rips in them.

"Sorry, did you want to practice? This is the last one. You can use it. I was on my way out anyway," Steve says.

"Steve…" Natasha begins.

He ignores her and leaves.

* * *

"Maximoff. All of you keep hiding it from me. I can tell that you all know," Natasha insists.

"He didn't want us to tell you," Wanda replies, and Natasha can see the sympathetic look that the Sokovian was giving her.

"Wanda…" Natasha pleads. "Tell me."

Wanda sighs. "Look, it's because of you."

Natasha stares at her. That was the last answer she'd expected.

"You're smart, Romanoff. Figure it out," Wanda tells her.

* * *

It takes her several days to realize.

Wrapped up in her own little fantasy with Bruce, she hadn't seen what the rest of the team had seen so easily.

Steve was in love with her.

But she was in love with Bruce.

His disappearances, his mournful glances at her, his frequent silences suddenly made sense to her.

And she has a lot of explaining to do.

* * *

"Natasha," Bruce greets her as she walks into the kitchen. He's drinking his tea, leaning casually against the counter. As if he didn't know she was looking for him.

"Hey Bruce," she answers.

And suddenly a wave of guilt rushes over her. How could she lie to herself? More importantly, how could she lie to Bruce? And…how could she lie to Steve?

"I'm sorry," she whispers, burying her head in her hands. "I really messed up, didn't I?"

"It's what makes you human," Bruce replies.

"I kept leading you on like that. Bruce, I really am sorry."

He shakes his head. "Honestly, Natasha, you…you were my rebound. I-I haven't really gotten over Betty. This…this was wrong for both of us."

She looks up at him. "How can you forgive me so easily? I've been lying to you for so long."

"And I've been lying to you too. We're both to blame, Natasha. It's okay. Really."

She hugs him, thankful that it's Bruce, and he's so _goddamned understanding_ even though she doesn't deserve it.

"Thanks, Bruce."

"Thank _you_ , Natasha."

* * *

Natasha heads for the gym, knowing he'd be there. She pauses in the doorway behind him and stands silently for a few minutes, watching him attack a new punching bag. Finally, she steps forward.

"…Steve."

He turns to see her looking at him, regret and the slightest bit of anxiety flashing in her eyes.

"Romanoff," he answers tersely.

She sighs. "Look, Steve, I screwed up, okay? I…I'm really sorry."

He simply looks at her, memories of her and Bruce during the past few weeks fresh in his mind.

And she can practically feel his pain as she sees things from a new point of view. She struggles to keep herself from breaking down as she says her next words.

"I was stupid. Steve, please…I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you so much."

Steve's gaze softens, and he wraps his arms around her. And that's when she breaks, letting her tears flow freely.

"I missed you, Steve," she whispers.

"Me too, Nat."

* * *

It's taken her almost a year to realize.

But she's happy she did.

In the end, it wasn't Bruce she needed. She didn't need his pain and anger. She has plenty of her own. But she didn't need to forget it.

What she needed was someone's trust. Someone she could trust to be there for her. Someone who wouldn't make her forget the pain, but help her move past it.

It's taken her almost a year, but finally she realizes.

She's found that person in Steve.

And it's Steve she needs to move on from her torn past.


End file.
